How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
