I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
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