hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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