He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
