How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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