The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
MIDGETS
????
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
