I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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