I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
