I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
You took a bar mat shot.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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