I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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