Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
