I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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