then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
