Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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