p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
