And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
