Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Randomize
