You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
