I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
