i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
i need to put some appletini on your dick
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
