M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
