you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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