I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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