i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
