How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
