i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Randomize
