Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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