I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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