a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
