YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I queefed so loud it echoed.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I need water and some morals
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
