Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Randomize
