My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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