I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
