Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
