my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
