hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
