M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Im just a social blackout drinker.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Randomize
