girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
My balls are so social today.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
