I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Randomize
