I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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