I accidentally burped into my bong.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
