i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
