remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Randomize
