ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
