He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
