Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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