it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Randomize
