I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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