You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
