Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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